A line from one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs. “Satellite”.
Warning, this is not a GTC post, it is a mixed emotion post……
Tomorrow will be the last day of school for my three children. My twins will be moving onto middle school (gasp!), into 6th grade. My oldest, Alison will be a Sophomore in High School (bigger gasp).
Every year about this time, I start to get a little melancholy. Looking forward to the slower pace of summer is my definite bright spot. However, it always gets clouded this last week of school with some sadness.
Before I go on, let me say first, I am forever grateful for the three children I have, and I cherish them. However, there is the story that I always wanted one more. Even after the birth of Travis and Rachel, I felt so strongly there was one more child for our family.
Travis and Rachel are the result of infertility. I know many of you have suffered through and are still suffering through this. We were overjoyed and thankful when we found out we were getting two babies for the price of one.
When my twins were about 3, my doctor gave me the all clear on my chances of becoming pregnant again. Whatever was not working in my hormones was working now. A few month later, we were able to conceive. However, the pregnancy ended just short of 6 weeks.
We waited another year, then decided to try again, this time, it took a great deal of time. Finally, I was pregnant. This pregnancy ended horribly at about 8 weeks. Trip to the ER, it was quite traumatic.
Two more years went by. We felt like if it were meant to be, it would just happen. Another pregnancy in the Spring of 2006. All looked great, heartbeat, feeling sick, the whole 9 yards. This pregnancy ended at about 12 weeks. On the very last day of school, and my mother’s birthday. Thankfully, this one was not as traumatic with the trip to the hospital. However, I was emotionally devastated.
Fall of 2006. Last few months before we decided to close this door. My brother passed away very unexpectedly, one week after I found out I was pregnant again. All went like clock work until 5 months hit. Suddenly our baby died. Cause unknown. Mostly likely a cord accident. One week later I was back in the hospital, this time it was I who almost died. I developed a life threatening Pulmonary Embolism and was told had I not come to the ER when I did, I could have been dead in just hours. I was traumatized and an emotional wreck for at least one year after. I cried so hard on some days, I thought I would just cry up a lung and die. This was just two months before the end of the school year.
Every year when my children return to school, I am happy for them, happy for me to have some personal time (and space) but sad too, sad they are getting older, sad that I don’t have that little person around the house that all these years I thought I would.
Here we are at the end of the school year again. I am looking forward to the fun things we have planned this summer, the weather being warm and lots of lazing about. However, I can’t help but feel the grief that inevitably comes at this time of year. The memories of what I have endured.
Everything Good Must Have Raw Places
If I hadn’t experienced the loss I had, would I love and cherish my children as much as I do? Maybe not. There is not a day that goes by, even the really hard ones, that I do not thank my Father in Heaven for entrusting me with these spirits. That I have THREE of them. I hope I am doing a good job.
If Mark and I hadn’t experienced so much grief and pain together, would I be as strong and as close we are now? Perhaps not. Tragedy can tear a marriage apart, or it can make it stronger, and bring you closer than you ever thought possible. For us, it deepened our love and commitment to each other in ways we never dreamed.
I am thankful every day this man is by my side, even when he is acting like he is 7.
If I hadn’t experienced so much pain, would my faith run as deep and unmovable as it does? Definitely not. Walking through fire can turn you inside out, but with it can come the deepest peace and comfort, knowing a Loving Father in Heaven loves you more than you can humanly comprehend, and with faith in Him, you can get through anything in this world.
So today, I have some Raw Places. Tomorrow I will be back to the Good.
Thanks for listening.